When it comes to dating, people stress over the age difference in relationships, looks and income when they should focus on values and personality.
Let’s throw out the old stale ways of thinking about traditional relationships, and think from the heart not from the head. Relationships that are truly lasting are built on an energetic connection which goes beyond the age of the organs, the color of the hair and the amount of cycles someone has taken around the sun. So, does age difference in relationships really create a problem?
Thinking in terms of age is a limited viewpoint that can keep you from entertaining what could possibly be an incredible relationship. So, throw out the old socks and try on something new, there is fun to be had.
Does age really matter?
So let’s not go overboard with this, but a reasonable age difference like 10-15 years is surmountable. I’ve seen it work. Often it’s easier for a younger girl to date an older man because women mature sooner. It can go in the other direction for sure. If you’re considering dating someone that is younger, just as with any relationship, you need to seriously take time to get to know them.
You may not be able to stand how hyper, moody and unreliable a younger guy is or you may not be able to stand how serious, regimented and planned an older man is. These are all things to consider in a relationship. This is actually more of a personality thing than an age thing though, for the most part, people are who they are.
If you’re past the child bearing age, you can still adopt if you date a younger guy, right? Let’s really be open minded and not let society dictate how we think about relationships. Many people don’t consider the deeper questions of life when they look for a partner, they simply ask themselves if he has a good job and is good looking.
Well, if you want a relationship that will fill your heart in more ways than you can possibly imagine, look for things that you have in common such as life goals, interests and belief systems. If you find that, you have a much stronger foundation. Of course, you always want a physical attraction too and that actually comes from how that person’s energy mixes with yours.
What to consider at any age
No matter what, a man at any age needs to be respectful, have a sense of humor, be a loyal person, be independent (he’ll have friends besides you) and have a strong work ethic. He should be able to communicate well about how he is feeling and not keep things inside. That is not something that is determined by age, it’s more of who the person is.
If he is respectful of your time, your feelings, your dreams and goals, you can then consider him as an option. Do not judge a man from the outside in. If he interests you, then start to see if he meets your standards. Most of them won’t.
You may find an intelligent, hardworking, funny, loyal and compassionate man that is five years your senior or junior, and you may have a relationship without skipping a beat.
Don’t be naive in thinking that only younger men may be very unsettled about what they want in their life, what they want to do for a living and where they want to live. Be sure you communicate with them about these types of things at any age. If you’re very settled and he’s very unsettled, it might not be a long lasting relationship.
To protect your own feelings, don’t let anyone in too fast. You need to see how they behave to see if they are also ok with the age difference. It does weird some people out, and you want to make sure they aren’t going to bring it up every two minutes.
You also want to make sure they treat you as an equal. If everything checks out, in order to make it last, you will want to prepare yourself for the comments of people who still think conventionally.
What your family might do
Your family might freak out and that depends on how open-minded or traditional they are. If they say things that come across as hurtful, take them with a grain of salt. Your family loves you and they are trying to protect you from public scorn and from people who may potentially hurt you.
If you really know the person you’re involved with and you trust them, you can assure them of that. That’s your responsibility though. If your friends or family are able to get under your skin and make you feel uncomfortable about dating someone who is older or younger, it might indicate that you haven’t spent enough time getting to know them.
If you are truly confident in this person, you will have no problem defending them. Just as you would defend a boyfriend with tattoos who has a good heart, you’ll defend someone you know is worth your time. Prepare yourself for some backlash and don’t take it too seriously.
What does matter?
What matters is that you truly feel comfortable with this person. You should trust them, feel like they have your back no matter what, and they should make you feel respected. If they make you feel bad about being older or younger, that’s not a good sign. If they are comfortable with themselves and feel the same with you, that’s a good starting point.
In order for relationships with age differences to work, goals and interests need to be in alignment. If you both see your lives going in the same direction, not necessarily the same career, then you might be a great match.
How to overcome differences
In any relationship, you will have some differences to overcome. You may need to compromise in relationships with an age difference and do things you both like. You may actually have an opportunity to exercise your ability to compromise in really healthy ways. You may also develop the ability to communicate about compromise.
Talk things out as they come up. If your feelings get hurt or you’re wondering why he does something, just bring it up without judgement and with love. You can grow a lot with a person that is a different age, just make sure that that person is also a communicator and very positive.
It should feel natural
If things feel natural, you’re probably on the right track. You should feel normal and like you can relax and just be yourself. If he loves you for you, then you don’t have much to worry about. If you feel like you have to act different around him, chances are he will pick up on that and it will create problems somewhere.
You should feel a very light energy when you think of him, not heaviness. You should be very excited to see him and not dread it. Essentially, it should feel like any other healthy relationship.
If you feel like you’re being bossed around or you’re trying to train a puppy, don’t make your life more difficult and call a spade a spade. Don’t settle for someone just because they are cool or have a sweet job, choose someone that you have a magical connection with.
Finding your soul mate
You should listen to your heart when you search for your soul mate, don’t listen to what our parents think is a good match, don’t listen to your family, just your heart. You will only find him by being true to yourself. That’s why they call it a soul mate. It’s called a soul mate not a friend mate or a family mate right?
How do you find your soulmate? Be all about your goals and keep yourself positive and loving to others. You will attract the right guy to you when you are doing what you love and enjoying life. If you’re miserable and waiting for him to make you happy, you aren’t going to find more than some violin music.
The good news is you get to go out and have fun, live your life to the fullest and truly enjoy the company of others, get inspired by people and get involved in peoples’ lives. Don’t just sit at home hoping he will manifest out of thin air. He will show up when you truly love your life. Get involved with many things that you love and he will be on your path.
How to find someone with common viewpoints
Join book clubs you’re interested in and attend interesting seminars, conferences, conventions and festivals. Enroll in interesting classes that are in alignment with your goals. Join groups and organized activities that are specialized in things you like. If you like yoga, get a membership and get to the studio a lot.
Get more involved by volunteering or taking workshops and attending the events your favorite organizations host. You can get involved with nonprofits that support causes you’re interested in and meet nice people. As you develop a network in the world you feel comfortable in, you never know who you might meet through a friend or at an event.
It’s best to avoid bars because it brings in all different types of people and you may not have a darn thing in common with them. If you want to make it easier, find things you like to get involved with that are not solitary.
Getting to know each other
The getting to know each other phase is extremely important. You should definitely not start dating immediately because you don’t know if you will be able to put up with the guy, or if you offer what he is looking for. You should always take time to get to know someone and see if it makes sense, no matter how attracted you are to each other.
The attraction will quickly fade if you don’t have common interests and a sound friendship. The more patient you are, the better your chances of finding a really great match. In order to protect both your own feelings and the other person’s, wait to get involved romantically until you feel like you know the person.
Just do things friends do, like meet for tea and go work out together. This is a key part of weeding through the men who just aren’t the right match, and it avoids the messiness of them falling for you or you falling for them when it’s not going to be a good match.
This isn’t always easy, because usually, one person will want to take things faster. Remember, if he’s a decent guy, he will be patient. If he jumps ship because you tell him you want to get to know him, clearly he has no patience and wasn’t worth your time anyway! Taking time is a sign of respect so show him respect and he will adore that if he’s a real man.
How to shed social contracts
First of all, marriage itself is a social contract, right? It’s something we all agree on, so it becomes real.
Prior social contracts were that women stay home and men work. Prior social contracts were that relationships were between men and women and prior social contracts were that women marry in their early twenties, otherwise, god forbid, there might be something wrong with them. Well it’s no different with relationships that have an age difference.
Just as a gay couple and unmarried parents may get looks from old school traditional people, your relationship is real if it is real to you. Your relationship is between you and him, and not the people around you.
Don’t get hung up on silly stuff, like who’s going to die first, because that is such a toss-up anyway, and something we have no control over, besides living healthy. Don’t let backwards ways of thinking come between love.
If you’ve experienced a mixed race relationship, you know that love is love, and it doesn’t matter what close minded people think. What matters is that you’re happy, growing together and making the world a better place because you support and inspire each other.